Perpetual Change

Out of Order

This post fits the title in more ways than one.

I have been going through a lot of final preparations, forms, and reading for my assignment. I have gotten out books on Ukraine and tapes on Russian from the library. I have sent off for a new official passport separate from my personal one. I have been putting my financial affairs and obligations in order. And I have read a little book called, "On the Home Front: a Handbook for the Families of Volunteers."

It is an excellent little book and it explains a lot of psychological factors that are involved in any life-changing experience, but especially one abroad. The book tries to tell you that you can be prepared for some of the hardships ahead, but it won't make them any easier. I have the bittersweet knowledge of this truth from other experiences. And one of the greatest struggles is coming home. The book contains an excellent essay from which I would like to excerpt a few passages to help you all realize some of the feelings that unfortunately may have created a separation between us. The author speaks to the person that has just gone through the experience.

...Your self-esteem isn't helped, meanwhile, by the fact that no one seems especially interested in what you've been doing for the last two years. you have just gone through what may be the seminal experience of your life (certainly of your life to date), an experience which has transformed your view of the world and your own country - and changed you profoundly in the process - and yet your family and intimates somehow aren't bowled over. You have so much to explain, but alas, their capacity to absorb is not nearly matched by your need to recapitulate; they're filled up before you're even half empty. The typical Returned Peace Corps Volunteer is a catharsis waiting (not so patiently) to happen.

This dynamic only adds to the Returned Peace Corps Volunteer's growing crisis of identity. With no present role, your sense of self - and of self worth - are embodied in the sum of all the experiences you've had in the Peace Corps; you are what you have been through in the last two years. But if nobody wants to hear this, then how can they know how you've changed and who you've become? And if they don't know who you are, how can they value or even like you?

...These losses - of home, role, self confidence, and independence are at the core of readjustment and all but guarantee that more Returned Peace Corps Volunteers are not going to pick up where they left off. What's worse, the typical Volunteer suffers these losses alone, and largely in silence. For two years, throughout all the excitement and frustration of culture shock, pre-service training, settling in and beyond, we've been surrounded and supported by other Volunteers going through the same experience we were. Now, suddenly and precipitously, we're on our own. We have our family and friends about us, and they are sympathetic, but they don't really understand.

...Families have to learn not to take all this too personally. While returned Volunteers may not in truth be thrilled about being back in America, most are very happy to see their loved ones again.

posted by jjs @ 8:08 PM