Perpetual Change

Naked Introductions

I went to the gym the other day. I was feeling a bit under the weather emotionally and physically after Sando left on the 4th; plus, I have been the guest to 10 holiday parties since he left (at least 3 of which I could not POSSIBLY have had anything else to eat or drink, much to the disappointment of my hosts), so I thought some exercise would do me well.  This was my first trip to this gym.  Although the owner has invited me several times, my schedule and the weather have kept me away.  It is a nice gym, and the owner felt compelled to have one of his buddies set up a routine for me.  This wasn�t exactly what I had in mind, but the guy was nice and he did a good job, so I followed him around.

Well, he finished his routine before we had finished mine, so he told me the last few steps and then headed off to the sauna after inviting me to follow.  The sauna is a much more normal way, than a gym, for Ukrainians to deal with stress and health, but I was unaware that this facility had both.  I have not been to the sauna yet, because frankly, I am scared.  Maybe intimidated would be a better word.  I have  heard many stories of extreme sweating in sweltering rooms, followed by jumping in ice water or snow, and then beating each other with birch saplings � all in your birthday suit (all true, or at least corroborated by many American reliable sources).  None of this really sounds like much fun to me so I have avoided the experience.  But Ukrainians hold these things almost sacred.  I was a bit unprepared for the invitation at the gym.

I dawdled with my last few exercises trying to decide what to do.  I had mostly come to the decision to just sneak out and feign misunderstanding when I saw my new acquaintance the next time (this is all too often not a feint), but he came out to check on me (clad in a towel) because I was taking so long and thought I might have misunderstood.  He said just knock on the door when I was ready.  Well I finished up, leaving 2other guys in the workout room, they had been the only others I had seen the whole time.  I knocked and prepared to make some excuse when a different man answered the door.  I was quickly ushered in and the bolt was thrown behind me.  Locks are rather uncommon inside buildings in Ukraine (like on bathrooms) and I am still not sure why this door had one.  There I stood... with 2 new, genial, stark-naked strangers... my new friend no where in sight.  I know I had a total deer-in-headlights look as they introduced themselves (again a rather peculiar event, to introduce yourself.  And besides, where did they come from?!)  I am sure it was the first time that I have made the acquaintance of a naked person.  I was trying to do the whole eye-level, urinal conversation protocol, but this is very difficult when you must shake someone�s hand.  

I was pointed to where I should hang my clothes, which I actually contemplated doing for a moment, but then as I pondered where to put my glasses and what I was supposed to do without shower shoes (a very usual and useful item here), the whole disrobing in front of strangers to do something I was not interested in, overwhelmed me.  I panicked.  I retied my shoes; said in my best Ukrainian, �I�ll be right back;� and quickly went into the other room, put on my coat, and left.  Not quite knowing proper sauna etiquette, I am not sure how odd my behavior was, nor do I know what I will say to any of these men when I meet them again (which is virtually inevitable), but I am curious if the other two men still working out saw my emphatic expression and gesture to myself as I crossed the room...

I hate lying.

posted by jjs @ 12:19 PM