Perpetual Change

Leaving Backroads

I guess it is appropriate for me to write a post titled such. I am sorry that I haven't been more persistent in my posts. I have notes for many, but I have just been so busy. This has been an interesting summer. I have enjoyed the work very much, but not only your personal life, but any personal thoughts come to an end while you are working. It is truly as if the world stands still for an entire week at a time, except that you are very attuned to the seasonal change.

My coworkers have been very talented and interesting. I'm sure it is some sort of compelling argument to see how similar we can be. I was surprised to see how different Peace Corps volunteers are, but here I find people who have many of my own stranger habits, and there are often my favorite books on the shelves at our shared apartments. But everything is so transient in this company, that you meet cool people and then in just a few days, they are gone and you aren't sure that you will ever seen them again, probably not for a year or more. So you are constantly starting friendships and sharing yourself and trying to understand others. You know that they will all be great people, but it can be exhausting. So I have come to a new conclusion. As some of you know, I feel that you can love unconditionally, and I used to think this love included sharing unconditionally. However, I have definitely reached a limit this summer. Although I know the people will be cool and I will enjoy their company, it is too much of an investment to go through all the rigamarole of getting to know someone and really understanding them. I can't absorb it and I find myself not wanting to share mine with them either. It is one thing if we are in a small group and they ask heart felt questions (then it is hard because you have this heartache of knowing that you are going to feel closer to someone, for a very short time.), but usually I just ask questions that get people talking about themselves. I even try to stay away from "real" questions, even with guests, because I often am not "really" interested in the answers. It is a good thing that people like to talk about themselves so much.

The loneliness mentioned in the last email definitely stems some from the above, but also that the job, although an exercise in balance for our guests, is full of extremes. It is amazing. I have drank more here than in Ukraine. I am always exercising or quit completely for weeks at a time. I am all work, or all play. The extremes begin to affect your emotions too. The day after I wrote that last email, I wrote this, "today to my great surprise, I found a lake on my bike ride, with sailboats!! I also saw a shepherd amongst his sheep." I intended to turn it into a email about some of the amazing bike rides I had done that week. One I biked up to a high hill that looked out over the entire Arno valley - a beautiful expanse- and I sat there picking figs from the tree above me, next to a chapel built in the middle ages and watching the sun get ready to set. So even my thoughts had become quite extreme in nature. When I would finish a trip and get a piece of personal mail at the warehouse or a email with news from one of you, I would get these strange bittersweet pang in my heart.

I am not sure of the moral of my story. I have enjoyed this summer. It has gone amazingly fast. I met quite a few amazing people; I think I will keep track of a few of them. I miss you all. I don't feel done with this work, but I don't feel ready to come back. Which brings me to my news. I leave here tomorrow for Riga, Latvia, where I will spend three days with 2 friends from Ukraine. Then we will all fly to Odessa together, train to close to where I lived before, and I will be volunteering at an orphanage there until the end of the school year. I will be coming to Florida for Thanksgiving and staying through Christmas, with a short trip up to DC, so I hope that I can meet up with any and all of you. And should you want to send a small gift to a small boy in Ukraine for Christmas, I can let you know how to make that happen.

I love you all.

PS. I found a Ukrainian (from the same town I lived in, Drohobych!) living in San Giovanni Valdarno (the small, less than famous town where I am living in Tuscany). I heard her speaking on the phone in Ukrainian and when she got off at my stop, I asked her where she was from in Ukrainian and she first aswered me, "Ukraine."

posted by jjs @ 5:56 PM